This is a very personal, raw and deep post but I feel it is important for me to share with you the letter I wrote today to my ‘anorexic’ self.
I have to commend you on your strength and skill at what you do. Your voice persuades me past the point of rationality. Your voices pressures me past the point of intelligence. Your voice persuades me to listen. Forces me to listen.
For so long, you’ve been the stronger one and I admire that strength. In fact, I idolise that strength because one day, I will be that strong. I am that strong.
You cast a dark cloak over my life, which I have to focus hard on to remember. I spent hours alone with you – in my room, in my head, in our own world. I knew there was a way out from under this cloak but you convinced me to stay – it was easier to stay under the protection of your dark cloak.
I love you. I miss you. I resent you. I hate you. I loath you. I fear you.
You tricked me. You betrayed me. You hurt me. You ruined me. You suffocated me. You starved me.
How did I allow you to take me there? Under that cloak was an welcoming of self-hatred and loathing, an acceptance of mortality, a belief that loneliness was a way of life, a constant cycle of exhaustion. I am so angry and you for holding me under this cloak and yet, I am angry at myself for accepting your icy embrace.
Not only was my mind clenched in your firmly shut fists but so was my body. How did you make me so cold? How did you make me so pale? How did you make me so unrecognisable?
You fed me on false encouragements; not on the nourishment that I needed. My self worth plummeted like the digits on the scale, like the calories on my plate, like the smiles on my face. I became a body with no soul – so fragmented and distorted was my mind and world. I saw days through foggy glass; everything so externalised.
You said you’d love me one day when I had perfected myself more. I kept trying but ultimately, I realised that this was an impossible task – an endless dark dust track.
I can’t leave you Anorexia, you are an ingrained part of me that I must learn to help develop into something beautiful. If I learn to love myself, perhaps you will learn that everyone deserves happiness, care and life. I know you are scared; I’m scared too. Our power balance has been shifted and I am holding the reins now. I want to be happy and you aren’t able to let me have that, so no matter how much I miss the comfort of that cloak you hold, its time to hang the cloak up now and allow the sun to shine down on us serendipitously.
Without you in control, I do not know who I will be but I am finally ready to find out. I am turning down the volume of your gripping, bullying tone and its the most scary sensation… What if no one cares about me when I am without you? What if I am alone and even you are gone? What if I become an uncontrollable slob without you in power?
I’ll tell you ‘what-if?’; I will be okay and it is worth a damn good try because you were killing me Anorexia. You had so much power, I put my life in your hands. I want my life back now. I will force it from your grip, no matter how much of a challenge it is.